I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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