he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
operation have a gay friend backfired
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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