im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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