I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
being pregnant is like rehab
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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