Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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