i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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