which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
