i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
