seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
