Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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