I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
