I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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