it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
God I need to hump something, right now.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize