drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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