actually, I'm a sock model
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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