no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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