I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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