I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
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