when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
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