He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
