You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
