this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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