I'm gonna have a badass scar
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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