great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
