Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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