I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
