now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
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