I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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