Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
