quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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