I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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