Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
