1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
