Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I am available for nakedness
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
