I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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