Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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