im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
