Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
