Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Hello my rib-scented angel!
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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