I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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