The maid of honor just puked.
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
