I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
