just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
