I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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