I looked at my own cervix.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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