omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
