I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Randomize
