Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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