i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
We need to get me chipped asap
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
