how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize