Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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