somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize