I think I won the penis lottery.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
