The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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