If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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