I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
