I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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