i may or may not be watching the land before time
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
