Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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