somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
So vagazzling was a success
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
