Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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