he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
