I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
