Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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