You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
