and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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